The science of well-being

What now seems like day 5,651 of isolation, is really only day 49 and if you’re anything like me you have spent many of the past 1,176 hours scrolling through your Instagram feed in sheer bewilderment as to how every single one of your 350 friends is accomplishing the most amazing things during lockdown. Richard is getting in the best shape of his life, Katie is baking pies, cakes and cupcakes all in the same day, Shannon has built an entire Ninja Warrior course in her backyard and you…well you wander from room to room noting all of the chores that need to be done, only to grab a bag of chips, a bottle of wine and watch 4 hours straight of Westworld. No? Just me?

Okay, okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating just a little bit, but if this story is all too familiar to you then you also have unfortunately fallen pray to one of the biggest contributors of unhappiness, and that’s making social comparisons. This realization is what prompted me to start a new online course titled The Science of Well-Being, 5 weeks ago. This course happens to be Yale’s most popular online program and is currently being offered for FREE through Coursea. (To access the course and sign-up CLICK HERE)

Having now completed the 10-week curriculum, I thought I would share with you, my “Laura’s Notes” aka Coles Notes. Although my recap can truly never replace doing the work for yourself, I hope to provide you with some of my key takeaways which will perhaps inspire a few of you to look inward at your own sense of well-being and make some positive changes of your own. Below, I’ll summarize the major theories presented throughout the course, the tips and strategies proven to make people happier and ultimately what I learned about myself throughout the entire process.

The course begins with having you take 3 surveys in order to gauge a baseline for your own happiness. One of the surveys, called The Character Strength Survey measures the intensity of 24 character virtues within yourself, such as: bravery, open-mindedness, hope, zest, humility, curiosity, creativity, and love of learning. Your top 4 Character Strengths are what they consider your “Signature Strengths” which are essential to who you are, and of course that means that your bottom 4 Character Strengths are not really strengths of yours at all.

My Signature Strengths are as follows:

1. Humour — Liking to laugh and tease; bringing smiles to other people; seeing the light side; making (not necessarily telling) jokes.

2. Fairness — Treating all people the same according to notions of fairness and justice; not letting feelings bias decisions about others; giving everyone a fair chance.

3. Social Intelligence — Being aware of the motives/feelings of others and oneself; knowing what to do to fit into different social situations; knowing what makes other people tick.

4. Love — Valuing close relations with others, in particular those in which sharing & caring are reciprocated; being close to people.

Conversely, my weakest 4 Strengths are:

1. Spirituality — Having coherent beliefs about the higher purpose and meaning of the universe; knowing where one fits within the larger scheme; having beliefs about the meaning of life that shape conduct and provide comfort.

2. Prudence — Being careful about one’s choices; not taking undue risks; not saying or doing things that might later be regretted.

3. Gratitude — Being aware of and thankful for the good things that happen; taking time to express thanks. (This one is going to come back later on to bite me the ass)

4. Self-Regulation — Regulating what one feels and does; being disciplined; controlling one’s appetites and emotions.

Signature Strengths will come up again later in the course but now it’s time to move on to discuss the most common misconceptions about happiness, ie. what people think they want or need in life in order to be happy but actually doesn’t make them happy.

1. Money — You’ve heard this before but it’s worth stating again, there is no scientific data to suggest that making any money over and above $75,000 will increase our happiness. So, if you’re making over $75,000, congratulations, you can and should stop worrying about it now!
2. Material Possessions — Not only does obtaining these items have no effect on increasing our happiness, in many cases, obtaining them actually decreases our happiness.
3. Finding a Soulmate — Turns out that being married only increases our happiness during the first two years and then after that, married folk are just as happy, or unhappy, as their single counterparts.
4. Beauty — To chase beauty is a losing battle because once we’ve achieved it, we realize it too doesn’t make us happier and that realization actually makes us less happy.

a. People in a weight loss study who were successful at losing the weight, reported less happiness afterward compared to the people in the study who did not lose weight or who actually gained weight.

b. People who got cosmetic surgery to improve their looks (and taking into account that people who opt for cosmetic surgery may be less happy to begin with), also reported less happiness after the surgery.

The conclusion drawn from the many studies cited in the course was to suggest that we are not great at determining the actual cause of people’s happiness. For example, if we know a happy, wealthy woman, we might conclude that it’s the money that makes her happy and therefore if we had money, we too would be happy. What would happen however if we looked at her situation a little more closely; perhaps this woman absolutely loves her job and is fully immersed in the work. This hard work and dedication are what drive her wealth, but her happiness comes from doing something daily that she’s passionate about. The difference here is that money is the biproduct of happiness and not the cause.

Conversely, a handsome, well-chiselled, happy man is probably not happy because he is handsome. Perhaps he exercises, eats healthfully, gets adequate sleep, and has a personal care routine which contribute to his sense of self-worth and happiness; better looks is simply the result of self-respect.

Moral of the story, the 4 items listed above which are frequently cited by people as things required in order to be happy, should never be the goal; instead, we should look at them as simply possible outcomes.

So if those 4 aspirations listed above are not the answer to happiness, what should we be chasing instead?

1. Jobs that make us feel fulfilled, that are challenging but attainable.

a) Take a look at your 4 Signature Strengths and ask yourself if your current job allows you to use them most of the time. If not, perhaps it’s time for a new job.

b) Consider the times in which you are in “flow” (a mental state in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement and enjoyment). If you are experiencing loss of self-consciousness, loss of time, decreased awareness of your physical needs (ie. forget to take lunch) then you are likely engaged in a task for which you love to do and for which you are intrinsically motivated by. These tasks have no extrinsic reward and you simply perform them because you love doing them. That’s what you should focus your career around.

2. Opportunities to do acts of kindness. There’s lots of evidence to suggest that doing things for others makes us happier than doing things for ourselves; even just thinking about the kind things you’ve done in the past increases our happiness. The science suggests that the amount of money you spend doesn’t determine the amount of happiness you gain, so maybe this week simply try paying for the Tim Horton’s order for the person behind you.

3. Obtaining time affluence. When we believe that we have enough time to do all of the things we want to do, which may include nothing, we report higher feelings of happiness. Even the act of thinking about the beauty of time or having access to time makes people happier; so how do we obtain this? Try one or all of the below recommendations:

a) Mind control — 46.9% of the time our minds are wandering (a shift in the contents of thought away from an ongoing task and/or from events in the external environment to self-generated thoughts and feelings). If you are going to let your mind wander, consider thinking about positive experiences from the past or future as this can increase feelings of joy.

b) Develop a meditation practice — This is the practice of turning our attention away from distracting thoughts and toward a single point of reference. The effects go beyond the moment we’re meditating too! Mediation positively impacts our default network (ie. the thoughts and feelings we have during a base state) in addition to increasing the gray matter in our brain which increases cognitive performance. (I have been attempting this and will 100% be writing a future blog post about my experiences)

c) When we give up money to have more time to do the things that make us happy, not surprisingly, makes us happier. Conversely when we give up time for money, we tend to be less happy. So try jotting down the tasks you do on a daily basis that make you unhappy and consider ways in which spending some available money could solve that problem.

4. Seek out social connection. I think we’ve all come to realize during social distancing just how much connecting with others affects our happiness. The science also shows that strong social ties makes us less vulnerable to premature death, more likely to survive serious illness, less likely to fall prey to stressful events, among a whole slew of other positive health benefits. So when you’re out on your walk today, keeping a safe distance from others, try saying hello to other people you pass because even making eye contact, smiling and talking to strangers can increase our happiness. Don’t assume that strangers would prefer not to talk or engage with you; the science also shows the recipients of small talk on the bus for example, report higher feelings of happiness as well. People want to connect!

5. Engage in health practices.

a) Exercising 3 times a week for 30 minutes increases our cognitive performance and sense of well being.

b) Sleeping 7.5 hours a night decreases our irritability, increases our attractiveness to others, decreases the amount of food we consume, and increases our cognitive ability.

Now, I know what you’re thinking and that’s “no but really, if I could lose 20lbs and get that Gucci handbag, I really would be happy”, or “I’ve tried those things and they just don’t work for me”. Well, I’m sorry to tell you this, but simply, you’re WRONG! Unfortunately, on top of not being able to accurately predict cause and effect, we humans also have 4 other annoying features which can hinder our ability to be content:

1. Annoying Human Feature #1 — Our strongest intuitions are often wrong and therefore most of the goals we think will make us happy wont and YOU are no different! So no, the skinnier version of you will be just as happy or unhappy as the current version of you, so stop thinking that’s the answer.

2. Annoying Human Feature #2 — Our minds don’t think in terms of absolutes, instead they think in relatives to a reference point (ie. it’s not what we obtained/achieved, it’s what we obtained/achieved relative to others). Studies suggest that people would rather make less money than they used to, as long as they were making more money than everyone else. The major problem with this, however, is that we are not great at selecting appropriate reference points and we tend to compare ourselves to people we have no business comparing ourselves to, inevitably making us feel inept and unhappy.

3. Annoying Feature #3 — Our minds are built to get used to stuff. Through the process of hedonic adaptation, we become accustomed to both positive and negative stimuli. Have you ever purchased a new car for which you were super excited about, then fast forward 3 months and all of the excitement has worn off, the enjoyment of driving your new car has waned and you wonder why you spent all of that money in the first place? That’s hedonic adaptation

4. Annoying Feature #4 — We don’t even realize that our minds are built to get used to stuff over time. Let’s continue with the car example above. Okay, so you get the car and realize after 3 months that the car no longer makes you happy, but instead of saying to yourself “I guess the car doesn’t make me happy and I will never make that mistake again”, you start dreaming about your next car and assume that that new car will make you happy. The problem is, we don’t realize we are making the same mistakes continuously.

I’m hoping that by this point you have come to that realization that humans have some pretty substantial flaws. Certainly, it’s great that we have the ability to make gut decisions, draw comparisons and adapt to situations which of course has allowed our species to survive and dominate; having said that, it unfortunately comes with some pretty substantial drawbacks, impacting our overall joy. So what can we do?

First, we need to accept the following: 50% of our happiness is impacted by our genetics and 10% of our happiness is determined by our circumstances; 60% of our happiness is in essence outside of our control which although unfortunate, is only 60%. That means that 40% of our happiness is determined by the very thoughts and ideas we allow which happens to be completely within our control, albeit not always easy. What you should be concluding by this point is that in order to be happy, not only do you have to change your goals, but also you have to make a conscious mental effort to be happy and although the habits for which we’ve reinforced over the years are going to be tough to break, it is possible and here’s how:

1. Get over getting used to stuff. What this means is don’t invest in stuff in the first place! Instead, invest in experiences which don’t always have to be expensive. The three benefits of investing in experiences is that we first gain enjoyment in simply planning the experience, then we go have the experience and that’s pretty great too, and finally, once we return from the experience and retell our stories for years to come, we get another happiness boost.

2. Thwart your adaption. As mentioned earlier, us humans tend to acclimate over time but here’s ways in which we can hold on to aspects of our lives that positively impact our happiness:

a. Savouring — This is the act of stepping outside of an experience to review and appreciate it. Tell yourself to slow down and be more mindful about the moment. Try talking to another person about how you feel during the experience, look for others to share in the experience with you, think about how lucky you are to be able to have this experience, think about how it will feel to tell others about this experience later, show physical expressions of energy, or think about how proud you are of yourself in that moment.

b. Negative visualization — Think about what your life would be like should ‘x’ never have occurred. What if you had never met your partner, what were the odds of meeting your best friend, how unfortunate would it have been if I never left that job?

c. Make this day your last exercise — For some situations in your life, consider how you’d feel if they were to end today. For example, what if your child was permanently moving out of your home tomorrow, you would probably savour the moments you had with them much more than if you knew you had 15 years left.

d. Gratitude — This is the quality of being thankful and a tendency to show appreciation for what one has. This attribute tends to have the greatest impact on thwarting our adaptation and so for those of you who had Gratitude as one of your Signature Strengths, congratulations, you are probably also a fairly happy person! If you’re like me, however, and Gratitude was listed as one of your weakest strengths, you’ve got some work to do! Try writing in a gratitude journal or write letters to the people in your life for who you are thankful for and be sure to give it to them!

3. Re-set your reference points. As we learned earlier, humans are terrible at making comparisons and often select incorrect reference points. In order to reframe these judgements, try some of the below techniques.

a) Concretely re-experience — Find a way to go back to re-experience your previous reference point, specifically for things you now take for granted. Go back to where you grew up, go back to the parking lot of an old job, take public transit for a day if you now drive a car, or look at an old bank statement. During isolation I’m sure many of us have experienced what it’s like to cook, clean, do our own nails, and teach our children again. Hopefully this puts into perspective just how good we had it pre-COVID.

b) Concretely observe — Many of us think that if only we had ‘x’, we would be happy. It is possible to go out and actually observe what life would be like if those things came into fruition. The TV show Wife Swap portrays this very concept and is a great reminder that the “grass is not always greener”.

c) Avoid social comparisons — Other people are the worst type of reference points. The next time you’re doing what I did and comparing yourself to all of your friends on Instagram, try the “Stop Technique”. This is being mindful of telling yourself when to stop using other people as reference points or simply don’t partake in many of the common contributors of social comparisons such as TV watching, perusing on social media, or reading magazines. Another technique to avoid social comparisons is that lovely concept of gratitude again. It’s difficult to be envious and grateful at the same time.

d) Interrupt your consumption — Split up the things you enjoy in life. Instead of shopping for clothes all at once, do so over the course of a few months, or don’t binge watch your favourite show all on one day, split it up over the course of weeks. Conversely, if there’s something you really don’t like, try to do all of that at once so that your hedonic adaptation kicks in and it no longer seems as bad.

Now that we’ve created better goals for ourselves and have learned about some techniques to help us overcome some of the annoying human features that have been negatively affecting our happiness, what do we do to ensure we can achieve these outcomes?

1. Situation support — Your goals should be in close proximity to you, visible and convenient. So delete social media from your phone, or actively put your phone away. Have a bedtime ritual to ensure better sleep, keep a gratitude journal beside your bed. If it helps, try putting sticky notes with reminders to be more present and fill your calendar with social outings with like-minded individuals.

2. Goal setting — Thinking about goals in specific ways can help with the success of those goals. In fact, I wrote an entire blog post about how to successfully set goals, CLICK HERE to read.

3. Goal visualization — Use the WOOP Technique. Think about your Wish, then consider what’s the best Outcome if that wish were to come true, then determine what the potential Obstacles are of achieving that wish, and lastly, establish a Plan to overcome those obstacles.

After taking this course I came to realize that I myself have fallen pray to the many problems discussed throughout the curriculum and unfortunately some of the solutions do not come all that naturally to me. However, over the last 4 weeks I have actively been working on meditating, I have started a gratitude journal, have decreased the amount of time I spend on social media, and have tried using the “Stop Technique” when I suspect I’m starting to make comparisons. I’ve slowed down my consumption of food and tried to savour the food itself and also the joy of conversation at the dinner table.

I suspect this is not an overnight fix and for many of you who will try out a new strategy will become frustrated because it’s not working, I wanted to point out one more learning from the course and that’s the difference between a Growth Mindset and a Fixed Mindset.

Fixed mindset people believe that basic qualities like intelligence and talent are fixed traits and any effort that needs to be exerted toward achieving something is a negative and therefore the task should be diminished.

Growth mindset people on the other hand share the belief that intelligence can be trained and that most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work and so difficult times are seen as a positive. Growth mindset people also tend to be happier.

The good news for my fellow “fixed mindset” people is that a growth mindset can also be learned, through none other than hard work and dedication. So join me on my quest for self-improvement and begin viewing this new found time as an opportunity to work tirelessly on our own well-being and to find true happiness.

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